Dan Mcaffe, Adventures of an Intergalactic Janitor
by mojo2722
Summary: Welcome aboard the USS Iowa, circa 2401. Those who serve abord her are the few, the proud, and those with a port-a-cleaner pack! Follow Dan as he faces bold new worlds and odors never before known to man!
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER:  
  
"Star Trek" and all associated names and characters, with the exceptions of the ones created by myself for this story, are © Paramount. I am a fan of Gene Roddenberry's dream and just wish to keep it alive so that tomorrow's youth may gain by it as I have. This is fan fiction; there is no infringement of copyright intended with this story, nor have I written it for personal financial gain. So relax, engage at full warp and enjoy!

Dan Mcaffe, Adventures of an Intergalactic Janitor

By Mojo2722

The turbolift was being cranky as usual, taking forever to reach the destination that Dan had requested. Funny it only seemed to act up when someone he didn't really want to talk to was in it with him. In this case Ensign Nevark, a short female ferengi that always seemed to go out of her way casually just 'bump into' Dan in the turbolifts, ten forward, in the mess hall, and generally everywhere else that he didn't want to see her. She had in fact been spotted loitering in the corridor outside of his quarters many times before by his bunkmates.

Women are strange, and alien women are just downright weird. 

Her raspy sliced through the silence, "So who do you think comes up with the names for the classes of these starships?"

"What?"

"Well I was just thinking that the origin of the names of the classes of starships is a mystery to me", she replied. She turned towards me and continued, "So do you think the people that come up with the names get royalties? I mean if they did the credits could really begin to add up."

Taking a step backwards, giving Nevark a wider berth Dan responded, "I don't think they make a profit off of coming up with a name. Starfleet may have deep pockets, but when it comes to sharing the wealth with the little guy they seem to pretend they are in the red."

Ensign Nevark moved even closer to Dan, letting her jagged smile bear itself. "So where do you think they came up with the name Galaxy Class?" she asked.

Dan backed himself all the way against the pads of the wall, the handrail poking him in the small of the back, waiting in anticipation for the doors to open and set him free from the confines of the turbolift. "I don't know, they built these things over thirty years ago. I'm sure whomever came up with the class name has long since retired."

Her smile widened farther as she inched even closer to him, well beyond the personal boundaries that most civilized people consider to be socially correct not to invade. "Well Dan I was thinking that might be a profitable venture for us both if we were to discuss starfleet history over dinner in my quarters."

No sooner than she had offered her solicitation his way of escape presented itself as the turbolift came to a rest and the doors hissed open. He haphazardly pushed her aside and made his way through the doors with the reply, "Ahhh…let me get back to you on that one. Sorry gotta' run, duty calls." He smiled briefly as the doors to the turbolift closed taking her to any other deck than the one that he was on.

He made his way down the corridor, following it's twists and turns to the familiar confines of the equipment storage bay that he came to every cycle that he was on duty. The doors opened and he walked through into the dark room. His job was so bottom of ladder on board the ship they didn't even have the lighting in the room set to automatically turn on when someone entered.

"Lights." He called out.

The lights flickered slightly as they came to life; the ship was showing its age. Oh well at least the voice interface seemed to be working today, he thought. For the past couple of weeks it hadn't been working properly and he had to manually use the panel beside the door to get the lights to work. He casually strolled over to an equipment locker and opened it up, grabbing the straps of and pulling out the primary weapon he would use today, the port-a-cleaner pack.

Okay some people joined starfleet to explore the stars, and others did it to find their fame. Dan joined on a drunken dare. At the time it seemed to make perfect sense. Join starfleet and not lose face in front of his friends whom had dared him. Besides, its not like he had much else going on at the time as far as career possibilities went. At the time he was living on mars, and moonlighting as a handy man at a resort. It barely kept a roof over his head let alone gave him any real possibilities for the future. At least having joined starfleet he got better replicator rations even if he wasn't really doing anything too much different than he did on mars. Some people aspired to become admirals or quadrant renowned scientists and engineers in starfleet. Dan became and environmental sanitary support technician. 

He was the janitor.

Oh well no one ever accused him of being overly ambitious. Not that he was lazy or not motivated. He just liked to keep things simple. Being at the bottom of the ladder did have its perks; for one thing, you didn't have to worry about having subordinates that you would be responsible for. Responsibility is definitely one of the things that he didn't care for that much. Definitely not on his top ten list of favorite things of life to enjoy.

He flipped the straps over his shoulder and brought the port-a-cleaner pack to mount on his back. Twenty three point eight kilos, that is what the specs say that the unit masses. Funny, but he had gotten so used to the weight of the thing over the last year that he had been in starfleet, that he seemed to be able to maneuver just as well with it on as when he didn't. As he made his way back to the door of the room, he called out, "Computer list areas of the ship that I am to maintain today."

"The designated maintenance area for your duty cycle is main engineering." The computer responded.

"Great does this mean I get to deal with the tech-heads all day?"

With a slight chirp of disgust the computer replied, "Please restate you're your request."

"Never mind." He said shaking his head having looked up as if to see the source of the disembodied voice. He smiled and added, "Hell if you were able to don a tight gold uniform with curves in all the right places, I think that resonator pushers down in the engine room would rather spend the day with you instead of with me. They seem to like people with brains, not the guy with the cleaning nozzle."

"Unable to recognize request, please restate the parameters."

"Computer?"

"Awaiting request."

"Shut up!" he said walking out the door, pausing at the threshold and remembered to add, "Lights."

The room went completely black as the doors hissed shut behind him.

* * *

The corridors leading to main engineering were easy work to clean and the companels didn't appear to have that many smudges from fingerprints on them so he didn't even bother to do more than to just touch them up in spots.

He made his way into main engineering and no sooner than he made it through the door he heard the voice he most didn't want to hear today, that of Lieutenant Goreman. "Well if it isn't Crewman Dan…Dan, Dan the cleaning man!" Goreman's deep tenor voice called out.

"Yeah it's me." Dan replied starting to work the nozzle wand of the port-a-cleaner about the floor. He had hoped that he could get main engineering finished as quickly as possible with the fewest of interactions with the engineers therein. He thought to himself that maybe if he just ignored him, Lieutenant Goreman he might just go away.

Despite the wishful thinking Dan had no such luck.

With a data pad in hand Goreman walked out from around the pulsating warp core, and gave a sarcastic grin in Dan's direction. "So Crewman, what is on your agenda today?" he asked adding, "No let me guess. First you are going to have a rousing time sweeping the floors in engineering, then you will have a wonderful time sanitizing the floors in sick bay, and then for the piece de resistance! Maybe you will still have time to clean the sanitary fixtures in the restrooms adjacent to the officer's mess!" 

Dan turned away from Goreman and continued to clean the floors in barely audible tones he muttered under his breath, "No sir! I will be too busy rigging the environmental controls in your cabin to give off sulfur dioxide fumes again. I won't have time for all of that other stuff."

Lieutenant Goreman set the data pad down onto a computer console just adjacent to the warp core chamber. He walked over to Dan and stood before him, blocking his progress on the floor. "What was that, Crewman?" he replied the tones of sarcasm having transmuted into those of irritation. 

Knowing that he would not be able to just pretend that six foot high malignant puss sore of a man that stood before him would just dry up and go away, he knew that he must respond to him. "I said no I won't have time to do all of that today."

"Excuse me crewman? Do you see these?" Goreman said pointing towards the rank insignia on his collar. "I earned these, and you Crewman Mcaffe will always refer to me as sir when I require a response from you!" he said to Dan his voice beginning to erupt with anger. "Am I understood?" he asked with his eyes focused intently on Dan. It seemed like flames were about to shoot forth from them, and Dan could almost make out them turning red.

"Yes sir!" Dan piped up with a wry smile on his face. He continued with melodramatic proportions laying the sarcasm, "Well Sir, it would appear that I need to get moving if I am to have time enough to scrub those sanitary fixtures! In fact Sir, I will make those fixtures so shiny that you will be able to see your face in them! In fact, sir, I will be thinking about your face while I scrub away any urine and fecal contamination!"

"How does a reject like you make it into starfleet, Mcaffe?" Goreman asked, pointing his a finger into Dan's face.

Just then the soft voice of a woman spoke up from behind them at the main engineering station, "Is there a problem here gentleman?" It was Lieutenant Commander Dakota, the U.S.S. Iowa's chief engineer. She was a part vulcan part klingon/human mix. The three species are ordinarily compatible, but with a fair amount of genetic coaxing, almost anything is possible. She had long fiery red hair that came down to the small of her back, and pronounced cranial ridges, and the typical vulcan ears. For not being human she was perhaps one of the most beautiful women on the ship in Dan's eyes. She walked up and got between Dan and Goreman. She was careful to disarm the situation by putting distance between them, and with the words she spoke next. "Well Lieutenant, rejects like Dan as you put it, play a very vital role to the operations of a starship. Without support staff like them, the Iowa would start looking and smelling like your dorm room at the academy inside of a week. So try to show some respect for your subordinates." She walked over to the console where he had set down the data pad and picked it up. She then walked back over, handed it to Goreman, and continued, "Besides I need the report on the condition of the flow couplers within the hour, and by my best guess you don't have time for an argument. That is if you are not to disappoint me and subsequently the captain, or am I wrong?"

Lieutenant Goreman ground his teeth before responding, "No sir, you are correct." He forcefully shrugged a partial smile and said, "Excuse me." And with those final words made his way back to the warp core chamber.

"And you." she added giving off a smile and shaking her head slightly. "You owe me one now. So on be your way, crewman. I am sure that you have duties to perform as well."

No one onboard the ship had stuck up for him before, he didn't know how to take it. And with Lieutenant Commander Dakota being so beautiful as well, it really had him confused.

"It's Dan." he mustered the courage to say.

"What's that crewman?"

"Sorry sir. Its Dan, sir."

"Crewman Dan?" she questioned with a smile that revealed hidden dimples in her cheeks.

He stumbled over his words almost stuttering them out but did manage to communicate, "Well no it's Crewman Mcaffe, but my first name is Dan, sir."

"I see." She nodded her head that radiant smile still on her face, continuing, "Well as you were Crewman Mcaffe."

Then she did it.

It was for just a split second, but Dan was sure that he saw it.

She winked at him.

"I'll a…" Dan started. He clumsily began to walk backwards, and managed to trip over a power converter that had been set out on the deck. He regained his balance and made his way towards the door, looking the chief engineer in the eye, mesmerized by her smile. "I'll a…just be on my way then…"

He managed to finish the rest of the engineering deck with the exception of main engineering. He had opted to avoid going back in there because of the possibility of either running into possible confrontation with Goreman again, or of running the risk of continuing the awkwardness he began to feel talking with chief engineer Dakota. Oh well, main engineering could wait till next week, Dan thought to himself. 

With only fifteen more minutes left in his duty cycle, he decided to call it quits early, and headed back up to the equipment storage bay to return his port-a-cleaner pack to the locker. When he arrived he was surprised to see one of his fellow environmental sanitary support technicians in the bay gearing up for a duty cycle.

Dan looked over at the bajoran male who was strapping on a port-a-cleaner pack and said, "Hello Turam, how goes it today?"

Turam buckled the final strap of his port-a-cleaner pack around his chest, and looked up to Dan and smiled. "Fine my friend, and how was your shift?" he replied.

Dan opened up the locker where his pack was to be stowed and released the buckles to the pack. He chuckled slightly and replied, "Well I had to go down to engineering, and you know how much I love to go down there."

"Goreman was at it again today?" Turam said while closing the door to his locker.

Dan slipped the pack off and stashed it into the locker, being careful not to let the straps get caught in the door when he closed it. "Bearing both his sunny disposition and love of us pee-ons as usual." He grinned.

Turam let out a little bit of laughter, and began to walk to the door. He turned around, stopped and mentioned to Dan, "Oh by the way, I should let you know. I spotted your little admirer staking out your corridor on the way here. Looks like you might be having grub worms for dinner tonight, eh?"

"Ensign Nevark!" he let his chin sink down to chest and closed his eyes trying to focus on any other mental picture other than that infatuated ferengi. He shook his head slightly, brought it back up and continued, "Oh Lord, after Lieutenant Goreman's crap in engineering today, I don't feel like dealing with her now."

"Well you could always follow me." Turam offered.

Intrigued by the offer, and not really wanting to face the big eared female imp that was undoubtedly laying a trap for him in the corridor near his quarters, Dan replied, "Where are you going?"

"I got the cake walk today, I get to do deck ten, and I was thinking about stopping by ten forward before I begin to clean the rest of the deck." He grinned like the cat that just got the canary.

"Let's see if I got this straight." Dan said folding one arm underneath the elbow of the other and touching his lip with one finger. "My choices are between going back to my quarters, face a night of eating grub worms that Nevark will undoubtedly want to pre-chew for me. Possibly being chased all the time around the room by her as she is an oomax addict…or to come with you up to ten forward and possibly have a relaxing enjoyable time?"

"Make it quick, I have to start my duty cycle shortly." Turam prompted, having turned around and continuing to walk to the door.

There was no hesitation in Dan's voice when he responded, "I'll buy the first round." He followed Turam out the door and into the hallway but before the doors could close he turned back towards the room and said, "Computer…Lights."

The lights flickered off and then back on again.

"Computer?" Dan asked.

"Unable to comply failure in primary control systems, secondary control systems offline", the computer droned out.

"Awww…to hell with it!" Dan said, letting the doors close behind him. He yelled down the corridor, "Hey Turam, wait up!"


	2. Chapter Two

DISCLAIMER:  
  
"Star Trek" and all associated names and characters, with the exceptions of the ones created by myself for this story, are © Paramount. I am a fan of Gene Roddenberry's dream and just wish to keep it alive so that tomorrow's youth may gain by it as I have. This is fan fiction; there is no infringement of copyright intended with this story, nor have I written it for personal financial gain. So relax, engage at full warp and enjoy!

Chapter Two

Turam and Dan stood at the doorway of ten forward scoping out the room. It was that time of the day that it was mostly deserted, and people who were there were drinking caffeinated beverages to help them to wake up for the normal daytime duty cycles. Working as an environmental sanitary support technician, Dan had learned early on, that if you wanted to avoid the complications of person to person interactions on a constant level, it was best to work the graveyard shift. As a result he always elected to volunteer for it. Usually the nights went really smooth, except when it comes to engineering that is. It seemed to Dan that engineers never needed to sleep, therefore it was always possible that you might run into one of them (especially those you don't want to) at any hour of the day when you had to go into the bowels of the ship to work.

Seeing an empty table in front of one of the grand view ports, Turam motioned to Dan to follow him. They walked over to the table and Dan sat down. Turam removed the port-a-cleaner pack he was wearing set it beside the table, and followed suit and sat down. Turam spoke, "So I believe that you said you were buying the first round."

"I did say that didn't I?" Dan replied. He motioned with two fingers in the air over to the bartender behind the bar.

Within a few minutes the bartender had arrived with a tray with three drinks on it. She set them down on the table, one in front of Turam and two in front of Dan. "So how are my favorite mop and bucket boys doing tonight?" she asked.

Dan looked up at her and grabbed a hold of one of his drinks and smiled, "Now come on, Satori, mops and buckets went out with the dinosaurs. Today's environmental sanitary support technician uses the latest federation issue port-a-cleaner! I thought a brilliant Soong type android like yourself would know that." Dan took a healthy swallow of his drink and nearly spit it out. It wasn't synthehol in his glass like he had expected it was real whiskey, and it burned his mouth, as he was unaccustomed to taking such a big drink of real alcohol at one time. He mustered up the courage to swallow, letting it fall to his stomach like a bomb whistling in the air. It hit his stomach and exploded with only a little bit less force than the stuff he and some friends were brewing up on deck seven in their makeshift still. He gasped for a breath and then let out, "Wow! What is this all about, Satori?"

She smiled at him with that devious smile that only women seem to be able to generate when they are up to something. She calmly replied before walking away, "I just thought that you might need it, someone will be here shortly and they will be wanting to talk to you."

"Ahhh….Who is that exactly, Satori?", Dan asked.

She just kept walking away, and returned to her normal position behind the bar, wiping out glasses with a towel.

Dan looked over to Turam and said, "I have had it up to here with women." Motioning above his head with his hand.

"You have, have you?" Turam replied, sipping on his Andorian Java.

"Yes, I wish that the ship's counselor would offer a support group for men that don't understand what drives and motivates women. I know I would attend the meetings religiously."

"I think that you and about half the crew aboard the Iowa would attend the meetings." Turam replied finishing off his Java. He stood up and reached down for his port-a-cleaner pack.

"Oh and I suppose you wouldn't?" Dan asked.

"Not really, when I don't understand a woman I consult the ultimate Oracle on the matter." Turam replied, strapping on his port-a-cleaner.

"You mean they have a bajoran oracle just for consultations about women?" Dan said taking another drink.

"Yes they do." He replied, giving the last buckle a snap. "She gave birth to me, and I communicate via subspace to her once a week. Have a nice day, Dan. I've got to get to work. The dust on this deck won't wait!"

"Well the next time you talk to your oracle, wish her my best and tell her I have a few questions for her myself. Have a nice duty cycle Turam." Dan replied watching Turam walk away.

"Well nothing to do but to sit here and talk to myself now, what fun!" Dan commented to himself. He leaned back in his chair and swallowed the last drop from his glass, letting a couple of ice cubes follow to crunch on.

The doors to the room slid open, and in paced the one person that he was trying to avoid by coming to ten forward in the first place. She walked straight up to the table, and asked the one question that he wished he could say yes to, "Is this chair taken?"

Before he could answer, Ensign Nevark had already sat down and motioned to Satori to come over to the table for service. Dan hesitantly replied, "No, not at all." He muttered a groaned and added, "…Unfortunately."

Her voice had all the melodic tones of a fallen angel as she commenced to speak, "I couldn't help but to think that our conversation got cut short earlier today in the turbolift. So I was thinking that we could pick up where we left off."

Dan felt the distinct feeling of a bare foot rubbing up against his foot under the table. Now even though it had become socially acceptable in ferengi society for women to wear clothing, it still seemed to be taboo for them to wear shoes of any sort, and the feeling of long ferengi toe nails skirting his ankles was about enough for Dan to cringe. Dan quickly pulled his legs back out of the reach of her short legs, sat up in his chair, and tucked them safely under his own chair. He looked down at the second full glass that Satori had brought to him, and picked it up. The environmental controls must have been malfunctioning in the room again because the glass was coated in beads of sweat and had left a ring of condensation on the table. That would probably leave a mark, but he knew how to get those sweat ring marks off of the table, it's his job, and it's not like it is the first time the environmental controls have failed. Hell, deck seven is now referred to as Dante's Playground simply because no one can get the environmental controls to ever reset low enough that you don't sweat your ears off. It's said that somebody, jokingly, once asked the computer to set the temperature as high as Death Valley back on earth just because it was a little chilly on that deck. The computer complied and just kind of locked up at that temperature. Dan tipped the glass back to his mouth and didn't stop swallowing until every last drop was set on a direct course for his stomach. Dan set the glass down on the table, looked at Nevark and asked, "Where we left off earlier? So you want to talk about where the names of classes of starships come from?"

"Interesting topic of conversation to pick, Dan. However, somehow I don't think that you are going to woo the women that way." Satori said as she walked up to the table. "You should try talking about their eyes and about how incredible it is that you can see your future in them, that is what works for me." she said with that typical soong type android half of the face smile. She picked up the empty glasses on the table, set them on her tray, and asked, "What can I get for you both?"

Nevark begin to casually stroke the lower portion of one of her lobes lightly, looked at Nevark, and answered, "I'll take a sex on the beach." She smiled at Dan, began to stroke her lobe a bit faster, and commented, "I hear that Hoo-man females like that drink."

Dan looked out of the view port in an attempt not to make direct eye contact with Nevark. He felt that if he did he might leave the wrong impression with her. She might think that them having children was a definite possibility, or at very minimum the act of procreation, and that was one impression he didn't want to leave. He looked back over to Satori being careful not to let his focus rest upon Ensign Nevark for even a millisecond. Satori was waiting patiently for him to give his drink order to her, so he cleared his throat and said, "I'll take two more, just like the last ones." He heard the hideous sound of Nevark giggling to his order so he decided to add, "But you had better make them doubles this time."

Satori replied, using that typical Soong type android half smile, before she walked away, "Doubles, huh? Looks like someone is going to get lucky today, Nevark."

Nevark boar her jagged smile, while still giving her lobe a thorough work out, and said to Dan, "That is one deal I wish was finalized."

Dan made the mistake of staring her in the face and replying, "I am too hard of a person to bargain with. I don't think that deal will ever happen."

"Oh really?" Nevark replied. She stopped her self-indulgence with her lobe, pointed a shaking finger at Dan, and proposed, "I'll bet you three slips of latinum that I can get you to finalize that deal within a week."

"A week?" Dan raised an eyebrow. He leaned forward, grinned, and shook his head, "I don't think that deal could be finalized in this generation."

Ensign Nevark leaned forward, let her tongue caress one of her fangs, and replied, "So since I am so wrong you won't mind putting your latinum where your mouth is?"

"Two slips of latinum? It's a deal!" he said extending his hand to shake and consummate the deal. He added the comment; "This will be the easiest money I have ever earned."

"Well ordinarily wouldn't shake on a deal," she said, taking his hand eagerly to shake on it, and replying, "But in your case hoo-man, I will make an exception. Since the deal is so certain to end in my favor!"

Dan withdrew his hand quickly after the shake, and commented, "In your dreams."

"Why hoo-man, I didn't know you were part betazoid as well." She replied, shaking her head slightly.

Satori walked up, drink-laden tray in hand, and spoke, "I couldn't help but to overhear your bet. Is there any chance that I could get in on it? I've got a few extra slips I'd like to wager."

"Oh really?" Nevark perked up, and continued, "How much and on who?"

Satori set the drinks down on the table, pulled five slips of latinum out of her pocket, and laid them down on the table. She replied, "Well I've already had a chance to calculate the odds taking into consideration over seven thousand various independent factors, and the more that I think about it the more I am going to say to hell with my computations, I will put my money on you Ensign Nevark. I just have a gut feeling that you can pull it off. You are a quite resourceful woman, Nevark."

"Five more slips won't break me." Dan stated. He picked up one of the drinks before him and began to nurse it.

"Then it's a deal." Nevark said, looking at the slips of latinum with hungry eyes. She began to reach for them as she said, "I'll just hold onto these for the duration of the bet."

Satori swept the slips up off of the table and put them back into her pocket. She looked to Nevark and quoted, "Rules of acquisition number one…Once you have their money ... you never give it back. I think that I will hold onto the slips for the time being, and now that I think about it." She held out her hand palm up between them both. "I think that I had better hold onto all the slips for the duration of this bet."

"Fair enough, but I will have to bring mine to you later, they are in my quarters." Dan replied. He took a big swallow of his whiskey, the alcohol starting to go to his head and make him catch a mellow buzz.

"That's not a problem, Dan. I will remember to get them off of you, before your next duty cycle." Satori replied. She held her palm up towards Nevark and prompted her, "Ah-hem!"

Nevark shrugged her shoulders and asked, "What?"

"Your latinum, ensign." Satori replied.

"Oh, I thought you were kidding about wanting to hold it for the duration of the bet." She said, reaching her arm down to her ankles. She fished around into what Dan could only think was a hidden pouch around her ankles, shortly retrieving two slips of latinum. She hesitantly handed them over to Satori. Satori stashed them away with the others she had earlier, and turned to walk away. Nevark spoke up, "Rule of acquisition number one hundred eighty seven…borrow on a handshake, lend in writing. I will need to get a marker on those slips, Satori."

Walking away, Satori didn't miss a step as she replied, "One marker coming up."

Dan's com-badge chirped and the sound of Captain Messick came to life on it. Whenever he had heard the captain's voice on the intercom his tone was always impersonal and deep. Dan had never heard it on his com-badge before. "Crewman Mcaffe report to my ready room at once."

Dan tapped his com-badge and nervously replied, "Uh, on my way…uh…sir." He looked over Nevark who was impatiently awaiting Satori's return with the marker for the bet. "You'll have to excuse me apparently the captain wants to see me." He said with the confidence like a call from the captain was an everyday occurrence. As he stood up, he added, "I'll be ready to collect my slips next Friday."

Before she could respond, he made a beeline for the door, and never looked back. He was halfway to the turbolift before it sank in; the captain wanted to see him.

Why?

What had he done? It's not like he was responsible for anything critical on the ship, or like he possessed any special skills or talents that would be useful to him. Well unless you count the ability to cook omelets. Dan had learned from a chef on Verion Five a good way to prepare them. But something told him that the captain didn't want to talk about that. He came to the turbolift and the doors opened most of the way, partially sticking open. He pushed them a bit further open and stepped into the turbolift.

"Close doors." He commanded the computer.

"Unable to comply." It sounded back.

"Why not?" he asked.

"You have insufficient security clearance to perform specified task." It droned on.

"For the love of God. I don't need to be the captain or the first officer to get you to close the turbolift doors, just close the damn doors now!"

"Initiating…" the computer started crackling into static and then chirping a tone indicating failure as usual. The computer was silent for a moment when the red alert klaxon started to sound and light. The computer began to respond again the crackling static faded to words, "…Auto-destruct sequence initiated. Warp core breach in five minutes."

"Shit!" Dan exclaimed, his eyes growing wide and as white as the earth's moon. "Computer who initiated this auto-destruct?"

"Auto destruct order was initiated by Crewman Mcaffe, Dan T."

Dan put his hands up over his ears to cover over the sound of the klaxon. "That is crazy computer, I don't have the clearance to initiate an auto-destruct, and besides I didn't order one!"

"Confirmed, do you wish to override auto-destruct sequence?" the computer inquired in it's usual mellow tones. 

"Hell yes, override them now!"

The doors to the turbolift shut, as the klaxon still sounded. "Four minutes thirty seconds till warp core breach. Please select a destination level." The computer calmly explained.

"What about the auto-destruct? I thought I told you to override the auto-destruct?" Dan asked, the buzz from his drink long since vanished in the adrenaline rush.

Just then his com-badge chirped to life, and the now agitated voice of Captain Messick came on, "What is going on crewman Mcaffe? Why is my ship about to blow up?"

"I'm not sure, sir, all I did was to ask it to close the doors to the turbolift." Dan replied. He was sure that if the auto-destruct by some miracle didn't go off and kill him, that the captain would by this point.

The captain, whose irritation was plain to hear in his voice, explained, "Well the computer is telling me that I cannot override the auto-destruct because I have insufficient clearance, and moreover that because of the malfunction I should use turbolift number two instead."

Dan thought to himself for a second, and remembered all the times the sonic shower in his quarters would mess up and cause the sonic sanitizing rod of the sanitary fixture to deploy whenever he asked for a shower. In order to get his butt clean when he had business to take care of he would have to order the shower to turn on and vise versa. The control systems had somehow crossed their paths and commanding one seemed to operate the other. Not sure if the situation was similar or not Dan asked, "Computer?"

"Four minutes until warp core breach." The computer was drowning out, then it responded, "Awaiting request."

"Close the turbolift doors."

"Sequence already in progress." The computer responded.

"Computer?"

"Awaiting request." It patiently said again.

"Open the turbolift doors."

The klaxon stopped sounding, the red warning lights stopped flashing, and the doors, as Dan had hoped, didn't open. The computer spoke out, "Auto-destruct sequence aborted."

Dan's com-badge chirped to life again, and the captain's voice once again sounded out from it, "Well the situation seems to have been resolved. Just what in the name of Zeus is going on down there?"

Still not sure if the captain was going to filet him when he got to the ready room, Dan responded, "I'm not sure, sir. But you might want to let the rest of the crew know not to command the computer to shut the turbolift doors if they won't close. I'm no engineer but I would bet you my shirt that the command pathways for both the turbolift and the auto-destruct sequence have degraded and somehow overlapped."

"Oh, I see. I'll get some people on that right away." The captain replied. "Report to my ready room on the double crewman." He added.

"Aye aye, sir. I will be right there." Dan said, quickly to add, "Unless the computer tries to dump the warp core when I select the bridge as my destination."

"In that case exit the turbolift and use the jefferies tubes to get here, crewman." The captain replied.

"Sir?"

"That's an order." The captain promptly stated.

***

After having climbed countless decks to the bridge through the jefferies tubes, Dan was hot, exhausted, and reeking of sweat. It had taken him over forty five minutes to climb up there. What he wouldn't do for just five minutes in the holodeck for a dip in some tranquil pond of cool water. He made his way to the captain's ready room and pressed the announcement button beside the door.

"Come." The captain's voice sounded through the door.

Dan thought to himself that for all the sensitive secret discussions that happened behind those doors, the starfleet engineers could have seen fit to make them more sound proof. I mean who wants to hear the captain bitching out the first officer for not meeting up to expectations. Or what if an alien ambassador was waiting outside the door and the captain was discussing with one of his senior staff how much he distrusts members of their species. I mean you figure if they can afford to install a ballet dance studio on board the ship, they could spring for the extra sound proofing layers for the door to the ready room.

He braced himself for his encounter with the captain and opened the door. The captain was sitting at his desk, a data pad in hand. He walked a few steps into the room, and nervously waited. Dan was unsure what to do next.

"Come in crewman and have a seat." The captain said without looking up from the data pad.

Dan cautiously stepped forward to the chair that sat empty across the desk from the captain. With his uniform soaking in sweat from the climb up to the bridge and his palms now coated in perspiration from the shear nervousness he was feeling, he sat down in the chair and folded his arms across his lap.

"So you've had quite the day, haven't you, crewman?" the captain asked, tapping a few times on the controls of the data pad and then casually tossing it onto his desk. He looked straight into Dan's eyes with that look that only a father could or would give to a child that had done something wrong. "Do you know why I asked you up here?" he asked.

Dan glanced down at the data pad on the desk, hoping that it would reveal some small clue to him. He felt just like he did when he was in school and the teacher asked him a question that he had no idea what the answer was because he didn't bother to pay attention. Dan took a second before answering because he didn't want to put his foot in his mouth. "I am not sure, but whatever it is I am sorry for having done it." He responded, quickly remembering to add, "Sir."

"Well then, let's see", the captain said standing up and turning to walk around his desk. As he began to slowly pace to the left around the desk, he asked, "Are you familiar with deck seven, crewman?"

Dan's eyes watched the captain's movements as if Dan were some prey watching a predator stalking it. His throat choked up a bit as he said, "I've had duty cycles cleaning it before. Yes, sir, I am familiar with it."

The captain walked over to the hemispherical aquarium built into the wall and tapped on it, making the exotic fish inside jump with each tap. "Well then, are you familiar with the nick name that the crew has unofficially assigned for that deck?" The captain asked.

Still focused on the captain's every move, Dan responded, "I'm not sure, I don't really socialize with the crew all that much, sir."

The captain stepped over to his replicator and started tapping on the control panel to it. The control panel to the unit flickered for a minute, and then went dark. The captain gently massaged the control panel of the unit with a balled up fist and a heavy thud. It instantly came back to life and produced an empty glass tumbler in the materialization receptacle. He grabbed up the empty glass tumbler and looked at it, mumbling, "Damnable computer malfunctions." He walked over to the desk beside Dan and set the glass down on the desk in front of Dan. He continued to go on, "So you don't know what the crew's nick name for deck seven is? I see."

"No, sir." Dan replied. Dan thought to himself that this wasn't so bad, all you had to do was lie a little and say sir after everything.

"Well I will let you know, just so you can remain informed." The captain said, walking over towards an end table next to a couch against the wall. "They have dubbed it Dante's Playground, can you guess why?" he asked.

Dan turned his head the other direction to follow the captain's movements. He was still trying to figure out what the captain was trying to get at by analyzing his body movements. He knew the captain would never believe him if he said he didn't know why they called it that so he decided to break his tradition of what to do in a crisis situation, and tell the truth. "I think they might call it that because the environmental controls are locked into an unbearably high temperature, sir."

The captain reached down behind a potted plant that sat on the end table and grabbed some yet unseen object that was hidden behind it. The captain answered, "You are correct. Do you know why that fascinates me?"

The captain stood up with his back to Dan and the hidden object in his hands obscured from Dan's view. Being nervous at both what the captain had in his hand and at the direction the questioning was going Dan replied, "I'm not sure, why is that, sir?"

"Well it fascinates me, because if I wanted to run some, unofficial at best, and against regulation at worst experiments that required a fairly higher than normal heat source to complete, that deck would make the perfect place to hide it from the sensors." The captain explained. He turned around and revealed a flask with a clear fluid in it.

The still, Dan thought. Busted!

The captain walked over to the desk and pulled the stopper out of the flask. He poured from the flask into the glass tumbler sitting in front of Dan and didn't stop until it was a finger's width from the top. He put the stopper back into the flask and set it down in front of Dan. Dan watched as Captain Messick slowly paced back around his desk and sat back down in his chair. The captain with that same dad look he used before, looked at Dan and asked, "Can you tell me what this is, Crewman Mcaffe?"

Dan looked at the flask and then at the glass and tired to play innocent, "I am not really sure, sir."

"Why don't you drink all of that which is in the glass and tell me what you think it is?" the captain requested.

Dan began, "I'd really rather not drink it if I don't know…"

"Drink! That's an order!" the captain barked.

Without thinking Dan grabbed the glass, and downed it all, spilling some of it onto his uniform in his haste. It took a second for the burning to begin. The numbness took several more seconds. They were brewing one hundred and ninety proof moonshine in that still and it had the kick of a rigeulian ox.

"You know…" the captain started, continuing, "The chief medical officer tells me that if the surgical epidermal sanitizers every all stop functioning that this stuff would make a good topical replacement." Dan's stomach had a hole punched in it from the moonshine, and it was doing flip-flops all the way to the top of his throat. The captain added, "He also said it wasn't to bad with a touch of lime and mixed with an iced tea chaser. That had me a bit disturbed. So how are you feeling, crewman?" The captain leaned back in his chair, clasped his hands behind his head, and smiled. Not a friendly smile like a friend gives to another friend, but instead the type of smile that a cat gives the piece of mouse tail lying on the floor after dinner.

Dan started to speak, but opening his mouth was the wrong idea. Without warning, the contents of his stomach ejected themselves onto the top of the captain's desk. The captain didn't move, or even blink and eye. Even though some of the over splash hit him directly. For the next five minutes Dan was doubled over on the floor with the dry heaves, thanking God for the ability to breath with every gasp of air he could manage to sneak in. After the whole body convulsions subsided, Dan got back up and sat back down in the chair.

The captain looked at Dan, leaned forward in his chair and asked, "So crewman, does that refresh your memory any?"

Wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his uniform, he replied, "Oh you mean that stuff…"

The captain stood up and braced his arms against the top of the vomit-ridden table. "I should have you removed from duty and sent off of my ship right now! There is no place on board the U.S.S. Iowa for a disobedient regulation breaking, wash out like yourself!" The captain turned and tugged sharply at the bottom of his shirt to straighten his uniform. He began to pace slowly towards the replicator again, as he asked, "Do you know why I am not going to kick you off of my ship?"

Dan's head was pounding from the physical agony that his body was in minutes earlier. He tried to focus on the captain with his eyes partially shut. The world was still a little fuzzy to him. He replied, "No sir, I don't know why."

"I'll tell you why." Captain Messick responded, tapping away at the controls to the replicator again. "It would seem that all the excitement we had earlier today with the turbolift slash auto-destruct incident earlier isn't as cut and dry as it seems."

Dan was praying that the captain would tell him that the ship was still going to blow up, just so it would end his agony. Well he almost wished that anyway. 

The captain continued, "It would appear that you were correct that the command pathways were indeed degraded and indeed had overlapped. The two systems were inter-linked for a while and commands for one would cause actions in the other to occur. The engineers were able to make a temporary fix for that problem for now. The bigger problem they discovered has left me with no alternative but to keep you on board until we can reach a starbase after our current mission."

Dan didn't understand what the captain was leading to, but he was trying to decipher it despite the pulsating sound of blood rushing through his skull.

A towel materialized in the replicator and the captain took it out, and begin to clean off his uniform with it. The captain continued, "It would appear that the command codes were affected as well. According to the computer I am no longer in command of the Iowa, and neither is anyone else in the immediate chain of command. According to the computer you are in command of the Iowa. Only your command codes will be accepted for higher level security matters." The captain started tapping away at the replicator controls again, and kept explaining, "To make matters worse the engineers are locked out of making changes to the command codes, they seem to be fused." A glass of a bubbly semi transparent liquid materialized in the replicator. The captain picked it up, walked over next to Dan, and said, "Here drink this, it'll make you feel better."

Dan accepted the drink and replied, "Thank you." He held it up to his lips and was about to drink it when he stopped and asked, "What is it?"

The captain answered, "It's an effervescent solution of water sodium bicarbonate, and analgesics. Just drink it crewman and you'll feel better."

"Thank you captain." Dan replied, drinking the bland solution down quickly. The strange solution seemed to calm his stomach down even further. He would have to get the name of the shortcut to it in the replicator's memory banks off of the captain sometime. There had been many a day that he had woken up and wished that he had something like it. More in focus of what the captain was explaining to him he asked, "So what exactly do the command codes have to do with me again, sir?"

The captain walked over to his couch and sat down. "To put it simply, crewman, if an emergency were to arise, or if a priority communiqué from starfleet came in, that would require a high command level clearance to access or initiate, I, nor any other bridge officer would be able to do it. Our codes were all wiped and reset down to basic clearance. You would be the only one on board with the clearance level high enough to do it. The ship thinks you are in command, and we can't change it."

"And it can't be changed till we get to a starbase?" Dan asked.

"No, unfortunately not. And we can't divert from our current mission to get to one." The captain explained.

Dan stood up, looked at the captain, and said, "Well I just want to let you know that I am very sorry about this, and that I will request reassignment as soon as we reach the nearest starbase. In the mean time I would like to request to be dismissed so that I can go get my port-a-cleaner pack to clean up the mess I've made of your desk…. And floor…"

"Well at the nearest starbase you are welcome to request that reassignment, I can't say that I will give you a glowing reference. As far as me dismissing you to go get your gear, request denied." The captain said, running his fingers through the leaves of the plant on the table.

A puzzled look ran across Dan's face. "Sir?", he asked.

"I will need you near me twenty four hours a day until we can get to the starbase to get the command codes reset. If an emergency were to arise I will need you there to give any clearances that I will need to protect the lives of the crew and this ship. So your normal duties aboard this ship are here by suspended. Your new assignment onboard the U.S.S. Iowa is to be my assistant. You will be my shadow twenty four hours a day seven days a week. Do you understand?"

"I think I do, sir." Dan replied hoping that by playing stupid the captain would reconsider the responsibility that he was trying to lay on him. With any luck he would just opt to forget the current mission and head straight for the nearest starbase.

"Not good enough. Do you or don't you understand?" the captain asked with irritation in his voice.

Dan knew that there was going to be no way out of this so he just gave in and replied, "Aye aye, sir. I understand. You can count on me."

The captain grimaced and responded, "Good. I'm glad you see things my way. Now I have taken the liberty of reassigning your quarters to some that are next door to mine. If I call I want you there instantly, not stuck on another deck because of a turbolift malfunction. I have also noted in my logs a temporary field promotion for you to the rank of ensign. You will need at least that grade of rank to sit in on staff meetings. But keep in mind it is only temporary, after this mission, as soon as we hit the nearest starbase you will be bucked back down to the rank of crewman again."

Dan was shocked, he expected to face a court martial, and instead he was getting bigger quarters that he didn't have to share with anyone else, and a promotion to boot! Having an altercation with Lieutenant Goreman in engineering, running into twice and making a bet with Ensign Nevark, Climbing all those decks in the jefferies tubes, getting busted for the still on deck seven, and throwing up on the captain's desk did make it seem like it was going to be one of those days. However, the promotion and the private quarters seem to make it all seem worth while.

The captain picked up a book off of the table and said to Dan, "Also for the duration that you will be assisting me Ensign, you will refrain from brewing, drinking, or even dispensing alcoholic or syntheholic beverages of any sort. That is a direct order. You are dismissed Ensign Mcaffe."

Dan started to smile as he walked for the door, before he could get there the captain stopped him by saying, "Oh by the way, there is a staff meeting in the conference room in thirty minutes. Clean yourself up, replicate yourself a new uniform, rank insignia, and be there in twenty five minutes."

"Yes sir." Dan replied walking out the door.

"And Ensign Mcaffe?", he heard the voice of the captain still in the room behind him.

"Yes sir?"

"Don't be late."


End file.
